Monsieur Ohio, USA 30 ans En couple
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML
Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he'd finished, all of them cheered. FML
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML
Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML
Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML
Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML
Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML
Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML
Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML
Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML
Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML
Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML
Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of four years through a speech that took me three weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML
Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML
Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML
Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML
Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML
Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML
Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML
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