tainer

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

Great chat!

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

Rewarding

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

Hefty

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Bad boy

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

Why not both?

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

So… good news, or…?

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

Outdoorsy

Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

Just Caturday things

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML

Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML