Monsieur Ft. Lauderdale, Florida 36 ans
Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML
Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML
Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML
Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML
Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML
Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML
Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML
Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML
Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML
Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML
Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML
Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML
Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML
Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML
Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML
Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML
Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML
Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML
Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML
Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
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