Mademoiselle Austin, US 31 ans Célibataire
Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML
Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML
Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML
Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "Rape isn't that bad if you think about it." FML
Today, my cat fell into the toilet, and I had to save him. I now have a soggy cat and scratched arms. FML
Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML
Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML
Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML
Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML
Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML
Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML
Today, after closing down the gas station I work at, I went to unlock the door to the building. Turned out the lock broke and I was locked inside until my boss could get there to let me out. FML
Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML
Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML
Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML
Today, after weeks of looking for the source of an awful smell in our house, I found out our dog has been climbing over our loft banister, into the attic, and shitting. There were over twenty mounds. It took me almost four hours to clean up, and it still stinks. FML
Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML
Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML
Today, in the middle of blizzard, I hopped out of my car to rescue a small white cat that darted across the street in front of me. After running in the snow to find it, I realized what I'd seen wasn't a cat at all. It was a plastic bag. FML
Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML
Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML
Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML
Today, having forgotten my knife at home, I nervously took a bite of my cheesy brat at work. It didn’t splatter on my clothes like I worried it would, but it did splatter all over my desk, keyboard, computer screen, and paperwork. I can't get the cheese out from under the keys. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML
Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML
Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML
Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML
Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML
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