coyotefox

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

Broke ass

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

Today, during my company's liquidation sale, I had not one, but three customers tell me to go back to Auschwitz. FML

Today, a month ago, with great sacrifice, I bought my daughter an expensive gift she wanted - a doll the size of her. We had a big party for her where she took the doll out of the box, threw it on the floor, and has only played with the box for a entire month. FML

Today, the father of one of my music students asked me out to dinner via my work e-mail. I thought it was kind of sweet, albeit a little strange, until I got his daughter's instrument rental check, with both his and his wife's name printed on it. FML

Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

Today, my 3-year-old daughter ran with arms wide open towards me, smiling, only to pass me by and hug the gardener instead. FML

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

Assholes

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

Today, I was fired for the first time in my life from a job that I actually loved and was passionate about. Apparently, none of my coworkers liked me and they thought that was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

Disapproving

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

Tasty

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

High hopes

Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

Today, I went to the osteopath because I've been having knee pain. The verdict: I have arthritis. Last month, my hairdresser told me I was already starting to have white hairs too. I'm celebrating my 16th birthday in two months. FML

DELETE! DELETE!

Today, I sent my mom a link to a news article via Facebook. Immediately after sending, however, I noticed I had forgotten to copy the news article's link, and what I had sent instead was the last thing I had copied and pasted: a porn link. FML

Great prank, thanks

Today, I had to rush to the airport to catch a flight to California for my sister's wedding. On my way out, my roommate gave me his neck pillow for comfort. Turns out the pillow was filled with weed, and I was arrested while going through security. I missed my sister's wedding. FML

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

Today, I've got a bad stomach ache, so my mother asked me ifI was on my period. I told her that no, in fact I haven't had it in three months. Now she won't speak to me because she's convinced that I have a secret boyfriend and am pregnant. I'm a lesbian. FML

Today, my cousin and I spent 9 hours on two separate fishing boats. This is what my cousin's boat returned with. We didn't even get a freaking nibble. FML

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

Today, as an overprotective mother, I asked my 19 year-old son, who was going to spend his day on the beach, if he’d taken any protection with him. He pulled out a box of condoms, beaming with pride. I was talking about suntan lotion. FML

Today, after recently moving to Australia, I saw my first kangaroo. In the refrigerated section of the supermarket. FML

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

Today, I was woken up from a dead sleep because a bug had fallen into my ear. I could hear it moving around in there, and it took me an hour with a blade of grass in my ear to get it to climb its way back out. FML

Animal

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

Today, my grandma was arrested for throwing her cane at a man who she thought was mocking her walk. That man was my boyfriend's father, who limps because of his cerebral palsy. He refuses to drop the assault charges. FML

Misjudged

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML