coyotefox

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

The Passion of the Christ

Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when footprints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML

Mother knows best...

Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML

GGs

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

Lonely hearts

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

Missed me?

Today, I caught a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, "Why do all gay people have depression?" I'm not gay. FML

Chancer

Today, I received an email from my insurance company about a claim that happened over a month ago when I hit someone from behind. I was very apologetic and stated it was my fault, and now they're trying to claim replacement vehicle costs. I was going under 10mph and their car only had a scratch. FML

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I "rang the bell too loud" and one to a little girl who screamed, "Stranger danger!" FML

Seems fair

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML