Mademoiselle Austin, US 31 ans Célibataire
Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML
Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years sat me down and told me how much I meant to him. He then told me that he's gay and in love with my best friend Miles, who he's been secretly seeing behind my back for over 2 years. I thought he was going to propose. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML
Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML
Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML
Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML
Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML
Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's in a back room that wasn’t connected to the main house. I really had to pee, but neither of us wanted to go into the house, so he told me to just go outside in a cup. I ended up having diarrhea in a cup in my boyfriend's backyard. FML
Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML
Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years and I announced our engagement to my family. While congratulating us, my sister couldn't help bursting into tears. I thought they got on well, he thought they got on well, she has been in love with him for the last 5 years. FML
Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML
Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML
Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML
Today, I finally received counselling for my horrible and irrational fear of abandonment. After sitting in the waiting room for two hours, I got a phone call from my therapist. She'd forgotten I was there and gone for lunch. FML
Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my colleague Skyped me to tell me my tampon string was hanging out my shorts. I had just come from lunch with 5 other colleagues. FML
Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML
Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML
Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML
Today, my crush asked to speak with me in private. He took me to a secluded area and asked if my best friend was interested in him. FML
Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML
Today, I learned that when airport security jokes that he's going to eat your box of donuts, you should not then joke back that he shouldn’t "because the powdered sugar is really cocaine". FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML
Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML
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