Monsieur P-town, USA 34 ans
Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they bring out the cake, and the birthday girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing, I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she'll be blowing tonight." The guy next to me was her dad. FML
Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML
Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML
Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half-dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness affects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML
Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says, "Wow, this is just too funny." FML
Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally replied, "Yeth ma'am." She ended the tour right there. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML
Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML
Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML
Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML
Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML
Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML
Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML
Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML
Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML
Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML
Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML
Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of four years through a speech that took me three weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML
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