Marypantsraebob

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

Today, I was texting a guy that one of my friends told me about. She gave me his number and told me about how he was deaf. Three hours into great conversation I forgot and asked him what his favorite music was. FML

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

Got talent?

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

Today, I took a pregnancy test. I waited the longest two minutes of my life just to realize I missed the stick. FML

Stunlock

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

Just checking

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML