Huntsville, US of A En couple
Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML
Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML
Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with our crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again. FML
Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML
Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML
Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML
Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML
Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML
Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML
Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML
Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything…" FML
Today, at university I was tearing off some "Help Japan" posters off the wall, figuring that they have been up for a while. Just as a group of visiting Japanese reporters passed by. FML
Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML
Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML
Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML
Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML
Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML
Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML
Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML
Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML
Today, my brother finally informed me that our shower head has an option to make the water only come out of the detachable part. My left leg's been in a cast for 4 months, and the whole time I've had to shower sitting backwards with my leg sticking out the door. He knew. FML
Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML
Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML
Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML
Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire PowerPoint based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML
Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML
Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML
Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML
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