Chatham, Ontario, Canada Célibataire
Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML
Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML
Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML
Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML
Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML
Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML
Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML
Today, after a week of searching, I found my escaped snake. In my umbrella, outside, after opening it over my head. FML
Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML
Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML
Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML
Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML
Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML
Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML
Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML
Today, my friend and I walked 3 miles to a Starbucks. We went inside, paid for our coffees and walked the 3 miles back to my house. We forgot to pick up our coffees. FML
Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML
Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML
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