justinetyme

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

It happens to the best of us

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

This is me

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

Ouch

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

Ninjas are everywhere

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

You absolute melt

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

Creeped out

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

Wouldn't hurt a…

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "no", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "deal." FML

Bored

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore." FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

The revenge of the nerds

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

See ya

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and who knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night… It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

Riveting

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

Deep fake

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of, "Whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back." Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML