nite66

Training day

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

You OK in there?

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

Sounds reasonable

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

Cliché

Today, my daughter-in-law sent me another romantic text that was meant for her husband. Not only can't she spell for shit, the clichés she uses are horrifyingly embarrassing. The fact this keeps happening makes me want to slam her head in the oven. FML

Trial and mainly error

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

Today, the guy I've recently started seeing confided that he's relieved I'm on the heavier side, and that he has a thing for watching chubby women eat. I just reached my ideal weight after losing 40 pounds. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

Red scare

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

Today, my social awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

Today, I was reading a book in German, which I don't know very well. Suddenly I reached a passage I had no trouble understanding. Excited, I showed my husband, saying I was finally getting the hang of it. He laughed and patted my head. Turns out, that particular passage was a quote. In English. FML

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML