balletdancer21

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

As a treat

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML

How did it come to this?

Today, I had to say, "Put away your burrito," "That ruler is not a lightsaber," and, "Stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Sniper

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML