Monsieur Delano, USA 34 ans Célibataire
Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML
Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML
Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML
Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML
Today, while waiting for my grandmother at the train station, a girl walked out and climbed into my car. When I cleared my throat to tell her of her mistake, she screamed and ran out as if I was a criminal trying to abduct her. FML
Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML
Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML
Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML
Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML
Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML
Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML
Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML
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