Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML
Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML
Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML
Today, my girlfriend started a huge fight with me over how I don't have the right to have close female friends anymore. She ended up storming off, and won't return my calls. But no worries: she did just play the word "murder" in our game of Words With Friends. Very comforting. FML
Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML
Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML
Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML
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