Mademoiselle En couple
Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my sister, my roommate, and my girlfriend. Halfway through the movie, my girlfriend left the room and texted me that she was breaking up with me. She then came back in the room, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the rest of the movie with us. FML
Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML
Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML
Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said, "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?" I said, "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?" She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML
Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML
Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML
Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML
Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML
Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML
Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML
Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML
Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML
Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML
Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises and told me that she was good to go and that I should be on my way. FML
Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML
Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML
Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML
Today, my boyfriend of six months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He went quiet, and I heard barking in the background. FML
Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as "bored" the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML
Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I'm a 26 year-old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML
Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML
Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML
Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML
Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML
Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML
Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML
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