Mademoiselle 31 ans En couple
Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML
Today, my boyfriend showed me his penis for the first time. All I could think to say was, "That's a clean circumcision." FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be "funny as hell" to watch me freak out. FML
Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML
Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML
Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looked at me with accepting eyes and after I'd finished said, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML
Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting intimate when a notification for a game popped up on his iPad. He immediately shoved me aside so he could take care of his baby dragon. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML
Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML
Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML
Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML
Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butthole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML
Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML
Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML
Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to piss in the shower while I was standing next to him. I did not mind, until I realised the water flows away incredibly slowly. I had to stand in his piss while the shower filled itself with the sweet odor of fresh urine. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML
Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML
Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML
Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML
Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML
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