Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML
Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML
Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML
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