Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML
Today, I was sent to group therapy. A girl spent twenty minutes telling us horrible details of having been raised incestuously. A side effect of my new medication is yawning. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML
Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML
Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML
Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML
Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML
Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML
Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was, "God forbid a maxed-out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years, whom I supported through the death of his father, and whose invalid mother I also took care of, suddenly dumped me. The fact that I've put on a little weight due to recent stress disgusts him, and he "can't date a chubster". FML
Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML
Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML
Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML
Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML
Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML
Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML
Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend lost his temper with me and complained that my "constant" apologies for upsetting him drive him insane, and without thinking, I said I was sorry. He hung up and I haven't heard from him since. FML
Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML
Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML
Today, I was at work talking to an older man. As our conversation ended, he said, "Thank you, ma'am." Then, he quickly stumbled over his words as he said, "I mean, thank you, sir. I meant sir. I think." He gazed at me for a moment in confusion, then darted away. FML
Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
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