Monsieur Célibataire
Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML
Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML
Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "My Sex Life". FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML
Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML
Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML
Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML
Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML
Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail after he punched a convenience store clerk in the face for running out of Cheetos. FML
Today, one of my online friends told me he's bought a plane ticket, so he can come visit me. I've told him multiple times before that I'm uncomfortable with this idea, but he keeps telling me to stop joking, and reminding me that he'll have no other place to stay. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML
Today, I have Hello Kitty band-aids on my nips because I dozed off while tanning and burned them extra crispy. FML
Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML
Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML
Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML
Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML
Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML
Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML
Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML
Today, I found out there's a support page on Facebook for people who have been "hurt" by me. FML
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
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