texas, usa 38 ans
Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML
Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML
Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML
Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML
Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML
Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said, "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he was coming back to say he's joking, he instead says, "Just kidding, it's really cheap." and walked off. I may or may not still have a job. FML
Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML
Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML
Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML
Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML
Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML
Today, I decided to visit my girlfriend who lives 20 hours away. Four Red Bulls: $11.50. Gas: $200. Driving halfway across the country to find your girlfriend in bed with another guy? FML
Today, my boyfriend and his parents met my family. My grandpa thought it would be funny to walk around with a realistic gun and make references about being in the mafia. The rest of my family went along with it. FML
Today, after going to T-Mobile thinking my phone won't receive texts, I found out that my phone is perfectly fine, my friends just don't text me back. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML
Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML
Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML
Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML
Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like each other. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says, "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML
Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML
Today, at 4 a.m., I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML
Today, my mother thought it would be okay to take my camera and erase all of my pictures that included my graduation, party, and my sisters wedding. Her excuse? "We need more room for Katie's birthday." Katie is our pet cat. FML
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