Monsieur Ashland, United States Célibataire
Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML
Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML
Today, I went to the movies. I was sat next to a woman who talked through the film and said, "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML
Today, I was mugged by three guys. I fought back, and knocked one down. This made them angry, so they stole my clothes as well. FML
Today, my boyfriend bitched me out for being too controlling. Apparently, not only am I being unreasonable by not wanting him visiting strip clubs with his friends, I'm also just "looking for excuses to get mad" at him. FML
Today, I will be sleeping in my aunt and uncle's living room. It is 90 degrees. There is an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall will get pissed off and try to claw through the wall. Only five more nights sweating my balls off or imagining racoons having angry sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML
Today, I was feeling unusually self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on makeup for the day. On my way to class, I passed some guys selling towels. One of them jeered, "Wanna be prettier? Buy a towel, and throw it over your face!" There goes my self-confidence. FML
Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML
Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML
Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML
Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML
Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML
Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML
Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML
Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML
Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML
Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML
Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML
Today, I found out why my room-mates and I have been ill for the past week. Apparently a rodent climbed into our water cooker and died. I have been drinking tea and eating noodles that have been tainted by a corpse all this time. FML
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