Xx_Benny73_xX

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

Your fault!

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

Put it all back

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully, they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

The more you know

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

Creeped out

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

Nice imagery

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

Square eyes

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

Flying around

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

Today, I won $20 on a scratch ticket my grandma bought me. She wants it back. FML

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML