Monsieur Ashland, United States Célibataire
Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML
Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML
Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML
Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML
Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML
Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML
Today, it's my Nana's birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She's so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog's mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat's. FML
Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML
Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML
Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML
Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML
Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML
Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML
Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML
Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML
Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML
Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML
Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML
Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML
Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML
Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML
Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML
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