puyallup , USA 44 ans
Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML
Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML
Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML
Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML
Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML
Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML
Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML
Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML
Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML
Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML
Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML
Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML
Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML
Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML
Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML
Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML
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