Mademoiselle 32 ans
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML
Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML
Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML
Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML
Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML
Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, in a queue to the ATM, a hot girl was standing in front of me. The girl's boyfriend grabbed her ass. She turned around and slapped me. FML
Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML
Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML
Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML
Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML
Today, I was denied a waitressing job at a local diner I have been going to for years. Due to the fact that my name is Julia. They already have a waitress there named Julie. Apparently, I would "create too much confusion." FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML
Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend to see if he wanted to come over to my house. He said he couldn't because he was out of town. That would have be perfectly acceptable, if I hadn't called him on his house phone. FML
Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML
Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML
Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML
Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML
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