RinaVampire31

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

Today, my fiancé left me waiting at the train station for two and a half hours because he offered his ex-girlfriend a lift to her friends wedding that was a few cities away. I normally wouldn't have minded, but I'm 6 months pregnant and it was pouring with rain. FML

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

Today, it's the last day of my sign language class. At the end of the class, my teacher surprised us by speaking for the first time, also surprising everyone that she wasn't actually deaf. It wouldn't have been so bad had I not just given someone an answer to the test, thinking she couldn't hear me. FML

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

Today, five minutes before closing, a woman came in to buy over $300 worth of clothing from the sales rack. My manager and I had to ring it all up, de-sensor it, fold it, bag it, etc. After it was all rung up, her credit card was declined. FML

Today, my wife's cat ran away. After spending a lot of money making "Lost Cat" flyers and driving around for hours passing them out and searching for her cat, he walked downstairs. FML

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

Today, my two cats decided to have a brawl on top of me. I was just trying to get to sleep. Now I'm covered in scratches. FML

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

Major annoyance

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML

Mowed down

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said, "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

Happy Caturday!

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML