kikicormier

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the driveway, hitting my leg, and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

Typecast

Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food, I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - Nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

Served cold

Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML

Doing the rounds

Today, my best friend admitted to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she's now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML