Célibataire
Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML
Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML
Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML
Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML
Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML
Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML
Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML
Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML
Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML
Today, I repeatedly screamed so loudly and with such emotion at a video game, that my neighbours thought I was in trouble and called the police. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML
Today, it was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML
Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML
Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
