memphis201

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

Classic

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, and I grabbed onto a fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

Baby baby baby

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

You bastard!

Today, I was at work, and some people came in looking for a particular couch. After looking for over an hour on the wholesalers website my boss walks over, makes me take my lunch break and then calls over the couple and takes all the credit for the sale. We work on commission. FML

You can't hurry love

Today, my grandma wasn't feeling well, so I went to her house to check on her. After about 20 minutes, I knew she was feeling better when she looked at me and said, "So, do you have a boyfriend yet? I pray every night that I get to live long enough to see you with a boyfriend." FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

Too late

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was, "Don't turn gay." I'm gay. FML

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

Have a good one!

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happened to be my 18 year-old sister. FML

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

Bad sitter

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

Bad influence

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML