punki_fml

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

Resting bitch face

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

Nasty

Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

FOCUS!

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

Guildy pleasure

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

Too little, too late

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

So… good news, or…?

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

Getting on

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML