baconstripslover

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

Check these out

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

Today, I have an autoimmune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

Morning motivation

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

Check these out

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 inches off my hair. When I got there, I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date, I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was, "I see you got rid of your mustache." FML

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and said, "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

Sorry…

Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "You jerk! Why are you making fun of her? She has Tourette's, you know!" FML

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

Today, I had to perform a skit in my class in which I have to wear tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt like I had done a good job. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

Let's slip out of here

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

Today, I had a bunch of parties while my parents were out of town. I made sure to clean up absolutely everything, I even vacuumed the stairs. As they pulled up, I noticed all of the trash bags filled with beer cans blocking their way into the garage. FML

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

Remember me

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

Take the L

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

Drunken antics

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly, "You need to work on that." We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said, "You need to work on not farting in your sleep." FML