Mademoiselle Brisbane, Queensland, Australia 36 ans
Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML
Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML
Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML
Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML
Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML
Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML
Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML
Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML
Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML
Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said, "We're not ready for our table yet." Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend, who I've met several times. FML
Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML
Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a Scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked, "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML
Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML
Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML
Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML
Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML
Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML
Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML
Today, In my science class I sit next to my friend Jill. My teacher always gets our names confused calling me Jill and her Liz. She decided to combine our names. I'm now known as Jizz. My teacher clearly has no idea what it means. FML
Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML
Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML
Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML
Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML
Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML
Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML
Today, I was shopping at Costco for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner, and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me, I heard somebody say, "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML
Today, I walked into my new maths class. I stepped inside only to be yelled at by the teacher for nearly 15 minutes. I was then told never to enter her class again and was sent to the principal. My identical twin brother was in her class the period before me. He also has a thing for older women. FML
Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML
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