what_a_mystery

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a workmate, I took a sip of the tea, which I had forgotten was boiling hot, and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

Today, an unpaid intern had his first day at my workplace of seven years. As a joke, my boss gave him the same challenge she gave me on my first day. The intern completed it in 37 minutes. We've always been told it's impossible. Guess we all have to start working harder. FML

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Dissed

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

Innocence

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

Lookin' good

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

Today, while changing a light bulb, I was electrocuted. I screamed before I blacked out. My entire family was home and heard me scream, but didn't come and check because they were too busy watching Glee. FML

The Voice

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

Weirdo

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

Community policing

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration, so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize, and I was hit with a big stick. FML

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML