SadIife

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I babysit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

Zzzzzzzz

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

Karma

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

1, 2, 3… FIRE!

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I'm now afraid to add people on Facebook. FML

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

So… good news, or…?

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

Pesky kids

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML

Thanks, Dad

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Alexa, play "Family Snapshot" by Peter Gabriel

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

Referral

Today, I was at the dentist's. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML