SadIife

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter "who has never been kissed." FML

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

Good girl

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

Nervous wreck

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

The Hitchhiker

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

But they're so cuuuuute

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

Ciao!

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

Pay attention

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

Get on with it, dude

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door. A clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was OK. I have to go back next week. FML

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

Today, I flew my girlfriend to Paris for our one year anniversary. Little did I know that instead of going up the Eiffel Tower and over looking the most romantic city she would rather spend it in bed with a French man. FML

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

Today, I was doing laundry at college. There was a pile of clothes sitting on top of a dryer, but the dryer was empty so I used it. I came back to a note saying, "Don't touch my laundry, asshole" and a dryer filled with urine soaked laundry. FML

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie, my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely look like the Antichrist, and I'm a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML