SadIife

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

Nice try, bozo

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

Parked out

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single, and jobless. FML

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

Can't be late!

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

Fate

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a coworker. I got her the job. FML

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

Cheer up

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

Nasty

Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

Guildy pleasure

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML