Mademoiselle Small town, Canada 31 ans Célibataire
Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML
Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML
Today, after breaking down in front of my therapist over some really sensitive issues, she decided to also break down. Not about my story but about her own life. I'm not being paid to comfort and console my therapist. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML
Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML
Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML
Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML
Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML
Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML
Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML
Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML
Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML
Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML
Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML
Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML
Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend was complaining about how we never see the movies he wants to see. So I took him to the movies, and he picked which one. Then he fell asleep. FML
Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML
Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML
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