Frillys

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Bowl cut

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

Inspiring

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML