lindora

Whirlybird special

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

Rummaging around in my stuff

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

That'll do it

Today, when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. FML

Snooper hack

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

Avoidance

Today, I was driving home from school when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. My offer was rejected as she said, "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway. My driveway. FML

Off script

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

Today, I thought I'd finally make a step towards getting over my ex-fiancé by flirting with a cute waiter. I left him a note on the bill. He comes back, says "which one of you is [name]?" and leans down close to me to say, "Thanks for your note, but your card was declined." FML

Full support

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed, so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends, and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML

Whoops

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

Sorry…

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his phone, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me, "He was so sad that you guys broke up." I didn't know. FML

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

Thanks guys

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

Today, my mother keyed my car because I wouldn't invite her into my home and get her a cup of tea, so she could continue screaming that she was going to kill me while I tried to feed my 4 month old daughter. The last time I got her a cup of tea she threw it in my face. FML

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail, because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

Crash

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

Divine

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

TMI

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year-old boss's new breast implants. FML

Today, I saw a picture of a dude on a Harley on my friend's wall. I asked her if it was Dog the bounty hunter. It wasn't, it was her aunt. FML