Mademoiselle Brasov, Romania 32 ans Célibataire
Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML
Today, my mom threw my tampons in the garbage and said that from now on, I'll be buying pads instead. Turns out she read a scare story going around by email that all the local teens are soaking their tampons in alcohol and inserting them anally to secretly get drunk. FML
Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend that I loved her and that I never wanted us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML
Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML
Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML
Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML
Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML
Today, I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. He got arrested because he was tugging his man-meat in the drive-thru at a McDonald's. FML
Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML
Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML
Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML
Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML
Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML
Today, I was on a crowded bus when the woman behind me vomited. The guy next to her was a sympathy puker. So were 3 other people. There was no room to escape. FML
Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML
Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML
Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML
Today, my fiancé called off our engagement after I contested his belief that women stop having periods after they are married. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML
Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML
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