Mademoiselle Charlotte, United States Compliqué
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML
Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML
Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML
Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML
Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML
Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML
Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML
Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me as I was leaving and said, "Have a nice… week!" FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML
Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as "The short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML
Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML
Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML
Today, after meeting my girlfriend's family and trying my hardest to impress them, she told me that they came up with a nickname for me. My new name is "Matt the Doormat." FML
Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML
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