Alpaca_BAMF

Get Back

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on eBay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

Treasure hunt

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year-old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

ULPT

Today, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating for two months because she started smoking. This is a deal breaker for me. I just found out from her friend that she started smoking for the sole purpose of getting me to break it off and now plans to quit. FML

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

Brief encounter

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year-old dog that had been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

Today, my boyfriend of six months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He went quiet, and I heard barking in the background. FML

Neighborhood watch

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. It seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" about these parts. FML

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of two years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I'm cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

Today, I got a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

Never forget

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

Bye bye loser

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

Today, after begging for over an hour, I had to pay my sister $20 to wax my back for me so my bra would stop painfully pulling at the hair I repulsively seem to be growing there. FML

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML