Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML
Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML
Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML
Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML
Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML
Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML
Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML
Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML
Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML
Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML
Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML
Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML
Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML
Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML
Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law sent me another romantic text that was meant for her husband. Not only can't she spell for shit, the clichés she uses are horrifyingly embarrassing. The fact this keeps happening makes me want to slam her head in the oven. FML
Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML
Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML
Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML
Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML
Today, I thought I was home alone, so I started singing to my cat. After a half hour of this, I finally stopped. Then I heard applauding. I turned around to find my parents standing in my doorway. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML
Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML
Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML
Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML
Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated, "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML
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