Tayzeeba

Little perv

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year-old boy. Three times. FML

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

Judge not lest you be judged, my friend

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

Dumbass

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

What's going on?

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

The votes are in

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

Today, I was eating a hotdog. My huge Siberian Husky, upon becoming aware of this, jumped up on me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and ate the food I was in the middle of eating. FML

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Wouldn't hurt a…

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

I don't belong here

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

No excuses!

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

Misery loves company

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML