Hockeyboy4280

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML

Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

Go home, you're drunk

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

Double trouble

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

Inspiring

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML