Mademoiselle Window Rock, USA 31 ans
Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispered to me, "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party." There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML
Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML
Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML
Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML
Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML
Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML
Today, I was watching my 7 year-old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her, "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied, "Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML
Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML
Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML
Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML
Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML
Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML
Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML
Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML
Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML
Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over two years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML
Today, it was the first time my boyfriend saw me naked. He grabbed my breasts and began to sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He's 22. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML
Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML
Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML
Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML
Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML
Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML
Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML
Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML
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