MysticAmmu

Taste test

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

Mixed signals

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

Catch

Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take two hours to get there. They called two hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another two hours. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

All you need is hate

Today, I was at a family reunion, but I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and get it on." My husband turned around. It was my uncle, wearing the same hat as my husband's. FML

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

Yikes

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I could save up my used tampons for him. FML

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

Today, my credit card got blocked. Apparently, my bank thinks buying a $130 flat iron online is suspicious. FML