ReRage

They tried to make me go to rehab…

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

Same thing

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

Gotcha!

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

Today, I was told I couldn't walk across the stage at my graduation because I owe money to lunch services. I owe 14 cents from my freshman year. FML

Today, I went to my friend's little brother's birthday party. A few of the younger kids were hitting me with a pool noodle, and I didn't really care until a 9-year-old loudly exclaimed, "Hit her in the pussy!" FML

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

The nickname that sticks

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

Today, I did a California stop during a drive with my Driver's Ed teacher. He made me get out, hug the stop sign and apologize to it. FML

Sigma

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

Use morse code

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OB-GYN's office. FML

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML

Shady stuff

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

Today, it's the fourth day in a row that I've been kept awake by my grandmother's snoring. I want to be pissed off, but she has sleep apnea, and I feel guilty for even wanting her to shut the hell up. FML

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

Rude!

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

Today, we got my dad an iPad for his birthday. I had to repeatedly reassure him that he could in fact touch the screen without being shocked. FML